Last night Ron came in the room and said, I am really proud of you. I asked him why, for many reasons. I then told him this is the first time in all my attempts that I feel I am really going to make it. He said he felt the same way too. I asked him why again. He said, "Because I really think you get it this time".
I don't know if I get it but what I do know is that the evil force of addiction is SOOO powerful. Something that starts out so innocently, when all of a sudden you wake up in chains, a hellish prison that has it's claws deeply embedded in your body and soul.
My body isn't screaming for the relief one pill would bring anymore. I am still very weak but a lot of that could be from the lack of appetite as well. I am nowhere near being out of the woods. I am still in the "honeymoon" phase. Now the real work starts.
I am ready to start my new life. My children have always done their best to give Ron and I their very best. Don't they finally deserve that from me now? I have been an addict most of Curtis' life. This is all he has known, so he never knew. My girls have always known, they could always tell, as they knew me before addiction days. So could Ron.
I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused, for the lost years, for the split personalities, for the ups and downs, the meanness, the obsessing, the seeking, the dishonesty, for everything that comes with this beast. I express my deepest sorrow to Ron. I wonder how he has stayed with me. I am just a lucky person I guess.
The work is just beginning, as I said. But I feel as though I am finally turning the corner.
Shar, I've only known you as an "addict" and I have always thought you were wonderful. You are someone very special. I heard this quote somewhere - "Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind." Hang in there and continue to inspire us all!
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