Sunday, August 30, 2009


I loved being in church today. I was late for my sacrament so I snuck in another ward. I sat in the back. I had a clear view of everything that was going on. I found myself smiling as I watched mom's and dad's with their children. They would cradle the newborns cuddled against their chests. Wrestle with wiggly toddlers trying to keep them still. Shushing pre teens in an effort at being reverent. They would chase after those that had escaped the confines of the benches. I wondered what they would have done had one of their babes disappeared in back of the choir seats, and then stripped butt naked! like Chelsea did. I'm glad Chels got to give possibly the only moon ever displayed in the front of the chapel as I scooped up all her clothes and naked body, then briskly walked out! I was laughing the whole way. Good times. No, great times!

I can feel my body ravaged. I feel like an outsider watching helplessly as it gets worse everyday. I hold my breath trying to muster the strength after sitting down, to get in a standing position, as it hurts my knees so. I awaken in the middle of the night with hands that feel as though they have been frozen for decades, trying to break them free. It feels like my shoulders are going to pop out of joint just to support the weight of my arms. I take steps like my father does. He's 85.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I was watching in church today. I was grateful that I could cradle my children when they were babies. I was grateful I could chase them down the street for fun, or to save them from danger. I was grateful I could hike with them, throw them in the air, put them on my shoulders and play horsie. I was grateful I could walk down in their rooms and sit on their beds at night to read them stories or sing them a song. I'm grateful I could spank their behinds when they needed it. They didn't need it very often. I'm grateful I could load my 4 children in the van and take them to Brighton to teach them how to snow ski. I wasn't so grateful when they all started balling when they couldn't walk with their heavy ski boots on, and carry their equipment at the same time! I am grateful I could stand and stand and stand with pride, as it took Jessica 4 hours to ski to the bottom of Marys, the easiest run in all of Utah I think! I'm grateful I could keep up with Nils as he had NO fear and would ski straight from the top of the run, to the bottom, and that he would stop in the nick of time before killing himself of another skier. I'm grateful I was blessed with energy, health and strength beyond what any mother would normally have when I had to be both mom and dad. And that was many many many years.

Maybe I used it all up then. And that's OK. I'm grateful I had all I needed, and much more, when I really needed it.

How grateful I am that I could take care of my little ones, and not so little ones back then. I'm glad that my body waited until now to make even the smallest tasks, hard.

Yes, I loved being in church today. I am grateful for the trip God gave me down memory lane. I am grateful that I got to participate in all those adventures, and I have faith I will be back again. But if not, I have my memories.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Is God mad at me? I don't blame him. So am I.

Has God finally had enough? Does he finally realize I was the one who didn't shout for joy at the thought of having a body? I know I know. No lectures here. I am very fortunate. I know that, but right now, not so much. Just humor me and give me this moment. It will pass.

I have spent the last 2 days in bed, not because I was sick, just sick in the head. I have had a bad case of feel sorry for me. My fingers look like sausages, my wrists deformed, my feet, knees and ankles have puffs of swollenness. Even my shoulders and toes hurt. But worst of all is my face. My neck looks like that of a linebacker continuing up to my cheeks with slits for eyes. All this whatever it is, rheumatoid arthritis they think, makes it painful to move. But, my stomach issues are gone! With that, my appetite is, sigh, back. Kinda mad about that. Actually, really mad.

So, now, a new adventure and reason to blog. Or to keep me accountable. Maybe it is my way of journaling. Whatever. Anyway, new goal. I need to get my weight as low as possible to take as much pressure off my joints. Funny. It's not just a cosmetic thing anymore. They are in enough trouble that I have no control over, without me adding to that. I need get my butt in gear and do some things. Time to start walking and walking and walking. Also, some kind of diet. I hate diets. I HATE DIETS! I have always lost weight after babies by running, refusing to go on some kind of structured diet. And, it has always done the trick, and got me addicted to the high of those great endorphins floating through my brain on those days I could have run forever and ever! Even on days the runs were not so great. I loved them all. I loved that I'd run mostly 6 days a week for 25 years.

That's what I'll do. Walk. I'll see where that takes me before I do some horrible thing like diet. Yeah, that's where I'll start.

And I thought getting off pain pills was hard. Oh, this adventure called life!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ramblings of 9th grade...Go Hornets!

Curtis starts 9th grade today. Can he really be that old?

I loved 9th grade. I remember Mr. Beards English class. Everyone dreaded Mr Beard as he was known to be really hard. He thought I was cute, so he liked me. So did Corey. If Corey could chase me around the room for 2 minutes and kiss me, he wouldn't have to take the dreaded Mythology test. If he couldn't catch me, I would get an A. He didn't catch me. I can't remember what Miss Hayes taught but she was a great teacher. She is Mrs. Hewlett now. She is also the g-ma of one of my neighbors. Small world. I stopped eating for awhile as I thought I was fat. I wasn't. We had early morning seminary back then. It wasn't released time. Poor Miss Gledhill. She was a horrible teacher but so fun to have if Kate was in the class as well. She would try to send Kate to the principals office. Kate would refuse to go. Miss Gledhill would try and drag her down but couldn't budge Kate. How we laughed. Poor Miss Gledhill. Poor any teacher that Kate didn't like but what a treat for the rest of us! Miss Mcbride had a train with candy in it. If the train stopped by your desk you got to take a piece. What did that have to do with learning how to type? Maybe that's why I never learned. I wore a light blue dress to graduation. Ms. Davis was my gym teacher. I even think she went by Ms. back then. She was a jock and so was I so she liked me. One Saturday I organized a group of about 15 boys and girls to ride our 10 speeds to the top of Big Cottonwood Canyon and back home again. Our bikes weighed as much as we did back then. Only Kate and I made it the whole way. The rolls and gravy! Hillside Jr. had the best rolls that melted in your mouth always hot from the oven. The cinnamon rolls as well. I didn't eat them very much. I would bring a thermos of some diet something usually. I was always on a diet. Stupid. And then there was Mrs. Schultz. She wore those really thick, black orthodic looking shoes. She seemed so old. I wonder if I am older now, than she was then. I hope not. She was the girls glee teacher. I loved glee. I was the accompanist. She liked that I could sight read and play whatever she wanted to teach the class. Why was it called glee and not choir? Hum. Mrs. Ray was my Home ec. teacher. She taught us about puberty and pimples. In Home ec? It seemed to fit together back then. She had one of those sicky sweet feminine voices that sounded like nails on a blackboard, but so fun to imitate. I remember when the Highland High Madrigals came and performed for an assembly. The boy ringing the bells for "Ring Bell" was really cute. I ended up marrying that cute boy. Who knew!

Yep, I loved 9th grade. I hope Curtis does too.

Monday, August 24, 2009

3 months almost..

Good thing I flushed the rest of the pain pills from surgery as I probably would have taken some last week. That's the way I was feeling. And heaven knows, I was/am hurting. Only when I move though. Every joint in my body is stiff, swollen and sore. But the good news is that I called several rheumatologists on our insurance plan and found one in Logan that can see me in 3 weeks. I will be glad to get started on a treatment plan. I will be glad to get over this hurdle.

It is so interesting how so many things have come to light since getting off pain pills. My life is different than what I imagined at this point. I joke that I was better on pain pills. I sure got a lot more accomplished each day and I felt a heck of a lot better! Not mentally though. Every time I took a pill, I felt bad, guilty even. I knew I was better than that. I knew I deserved better than what I was doing.

I'm glad it will be 3 months next week. I'm glad I have made it this far. And I plan on another 3 months, and 3 more after that, and so on and so on.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Any more marathons.. I hope so.

I am getting to know my doc way better than I had ever wanted to. I went to see him on Monday to try and get answers concerning not being able to move. He took xrays of my hands. The radiologist said I have inflammatory arthritis. There are many conditions that fall under that category none of which are good. It is an auto-immune disease with the likelihood of rheumatoid arthritis. The rheumatologist will figure all that out. I can't get in to see him for 3 months. Freak! 3 months? Are you kidding me! Oh well.

Upon hearing the news I had a bit of a break down, just for a day or two. I did what any daughter would do. I went to see my mom and dad. I had a sleep- over as a matter of fact. We spent the night talking and talking and talking, with a little bit of crying thrown in. We talked about everything, not just me, as that topic gets pretty boring. My mom reminded me of my patriarchal blessing. There is a part that speaks specifically of trials I will go through. My dad commented, How beautiful! What? How beautiful?! My choice of words would not have been beautiful. He got me thinking. It is beautiful, not what I would have chosen, but beautiful none the less.

There is a purpose in all we go through, both good and bad. The good parts are easy. The bad is where we grow and learn, become more like our Savior. That doesn't make these times any less hard, just endurable. Finding joy in the journey.

Whatever I have will not stop me. I might not be able to run another marathon, but don't count me out!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The work begins..

Monday was quite a day. Jami called and reminded me that all the Nelson girl cousins were going to Ruth's diner, my favorite place, to celebrate Abbey and Summer's b-days. I decided to go and I am so glad I did. It's been too long since we have gotten together. I then met Ron at Kent and Pams so that Ron and Kent could give Mindy a blessing. She was going in for major back surgery the next day. Ron and I raced home to go to a movie. It was our 32nd wedding anniversary. On our way, we got a call from our bishop telling us that our dear and darling friend and neighbor, Chantel, had been life-flighted to the U of U. She woke up not feeling well, but to make a long story short, she started seizing caused by bleeding on the brain. She had just given birth to their 3rd baby a few days earlier. Ron and I ran up to the hospital where there were several other ward members. We spent several hours trying to find out the diagnosis.

There is a ward fast for the Fawsons going on right now. I believe that miracles have already taken place. I know the power that comes from unified prayers and fasting through the faith of many. I love you Chantel. Blahbity blah...! (Chantel went to St George with me on my B day. She loves that phrase!)

As I was laying in bed that night with an exhausted body, my mind said, no sleeping for you tonight..too many things to think about, figure out maybe. It kept kept going to my adorable niece. She has struggled with addiction for years and things are not going too well. I asked her point blank. I'm so worried for her and I wish I could do something. I wish someone could. But we all know the answer and help is only in one place, within.

My fasting and prayers are for so many. Of course for dear Chantel and the whole Fawson family. For Mindy that her back will become whole. For my sweet niece. For my nephew Ryan, who just had his 4th baby. I'm sure he is missing his mom, my sister right now, and wishing that she could be here to help. She died of a blood clot that went to her lungs, 5 years ago on the 9th. Maybe even for me right now as well. I haven't done anything for so long that I don't know where or when to start. I'm feeling a bit lost. What to do. I also have to realize that my body is recovering from surgery still. I need to keep taking it easy for awhile longer.

My days were all defined for me. Not anymore. I was so hopeful and up a few days ago. It seemed like the world was mine, I could do anything. I'll be there again. Oh the difference a good night's sleep and a new day makes!

All in all I am doing good. (Refer to last post) There will always be hard times and down days. Now the work begins.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

So Happy, and on my way! Wha Whoooo!

Here I am, so happy, really. And it feels so good. So good in fact, that I got out of bed around 5:30 and did way too much. Curtis has play practice all day so I made he and Ron a lunch, finished a long overdue thank you to the magical Kelly D. for helping us with some music, went out and weeded the garden, (just a few) and then took a nap. Then I decided to tackle Curtis' room. It not only needs tackling, but a whole freakin football team to get it in shape. (Wait, I would imagine football teams are pretty dirty and stinky!)

You know how one thing leads to another, well that's kind of what happened. And now I fear I am paying the price. But, it feels so great to not have that horrible whatever pain it was! I have the surgical pain, but only when I move. (oops! little too much moving) To show you how great my family is, last night I dropped a popsicle and could not bend over to pick it up. Me. Curits, will you pick up the popsicle for me? Curtis. Why don't you do it? Me. Because I can't. Curt. Why lazy! Me. It hurts my belly to bend over. C. Then get down on your knees! Oh such love in our family! Curt and I burst out laughing and that hurt my belly more! Last night we laid in bed, Curt and I, and he had me laughing so hard I thought I might do some major damage, but oh how much fun!

Family. How I love my family. Ron has continued to put up with a very onry wife, especially the last few weeks. I have really been on edge, I think mostly depressed. I haven't liked me too well, mostly. And then there are my kids. I already told you all the great things Curtis does. Jami came over and did her magic in my bedroom and bathroom. She washed my sheets and dusted, vacuumed..just made a great and CLEAN sanctuary that I can veg in for awhile. Jess, Chels, and Nils were all calling for updates and sending lots of prayers and love. Nils instigated a family fast for all those that could. He is such a spiritual rock for the family.

Then my mom and dad. I was at their home one week ago. I was laying on the back lawn while my 82 year old mom was working in the yard. Her back door neighbor noticed she needed some help. He came right over and took care of the chores. Feeling really stupid that the neighbor was thinking my mom had a pretty worthless, lazy daughter, I piped up and told him of the problems I was having. He is ahead of Primary Children's Med. Center. Anyway he said, I'll bet you 90% it is your gall bladder. I told him that I had had every test in the book but not one for that. Because of him and the great diagnostician he is, and being at my mom's that day, I believe I am finally going to be well. And I don't believe it just happened. Dr. Clark just "happened" to have that week off.

My 82 and 85 year old parents brought dinner out last night. How I love them. I have said over and over again how much I love them. You never get too old to not need your parents. I have never known anyone with the honor and integrity of my father. My mother is truly an angel who gets more and more angelic each day she takes a breath. It has hurt them so, to see their baby daughter suffering and feeling so helpless. I know how that feels.

I am so overwhelmed with the love, prayers, blessings, fasting, and everything else that has been done in my behalf. I am a very blessed woman to have the friends, neighbors, and family that I do. Thank you all. I am going to be running by the end of the summer! (K, maybe only a jog!)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Relief on it's way?

It seems as though the problem has been my gall bladder all along so I am saying bye bye tomorrow! I am having it taken out. I am going in with high hopes of feeling much better post surgery. I might have surgical pain but that is very do-able compared to what I have been feeling.

There is the issue of pain management afterward. I let my surgeon know the hard work and great strides I have made these almost 9 weeks. I am not about to undo it all now. I could be in some sort of pain for maybe 2 days but no longer, or nothing that OTC's can't handle. I will have Ron close by post surgery as I will be groggy, so that he can yet again emphasize the importance of not prescribing narcotics, or at least not more than 3 or 4 pills, or maybe 2-3. The doc said I would probably need something the first day or two.

I have such high hopes of everything being ssoooooo much better by the end of the month, maybe even working out again. But if this process has taught me anything, it is that I know nothing. I'm just hoping and praying.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

What to say

It will be 8 weeks tomorrow. I should be incredibly happy. I would like to feel like I have, or am, conquering the world. I have felt like that before, but not in a long time. I wish I could say how much better my life is, how much better I feel and how I am working towards goals I have had for a long time.

But, I don't know what to say. I feel like I felt better on pills, that at least I had energy to get things accomplished, that my family had a mom a lot of the time, that I was able to tend a lot of times, that I could cook and clean all day if I wanted to, that I could go to a job and come home and do mom kind of things, that I could go out with Ron and Curtis to a movie or dinner, that I could spend time in my garden, that I could go visit Chel and see how she's doing. I worry about my Chel so much.

I can't and won't go back to pills. I have gone too far and I would have to do it all over again. I think it is much like divorce for a good friend of mine. In recalling the marriage gone bad, all she saw when it was over were the good times. Her ex was a toxic jerk. I would have to remind her every now and again. I think that is the way with pills, especially now that things such as health, are not so good.

Time goes so fast. I can't believe it is August already, even though the summer has gone so slowly in many ways. I know that I will get better, that I will be able to do the things I dream of, that I will be not only back to normal, but better than I have been in years.

I am glad it has been 2 months, though it seems that my resolve has been lacking lately. I know it will be 3, and then 4 months before I know it. Curtis will be back in school. That makes me sad. I love having him home. I always hated it when my kids went back, even after Christmas break. I loved having them home with me. I loved/love being a mom. Another topic for another day. I'm rambling. blah blah blah.

More tests tomorrow. Yipee!