Thursday, September 1, 2011

There has to be pills for that

I'm so angry. I feel like I could blow up into a million pieces! Maybe sad. The sweet kid that handled my return at Target got me going. How are you today, he said. Crappy! was my reply. I couldn't do the, I'm fine response. I just couldn't. Then the tears started. I'm so sorry he said. Are you OK? Are you having a hard time breathing today? Actually I have to wear this everyday. I'm sorry, he said again. I hope your day gets better. It will. Thank you.

Some people ask what's wrong with me. Most don't. Little kids stare. Adults look then take a double take. Wow. I wonder what she did to have to wear that thing? Or most don't think anything. In fact, I'll bet no one thinks anything for more than a few seconds. Look, then on to their own problems.

What's wrong with you? the guy at RC Willey's asked. How long do you have I wanted to say. Rheumatoid arthritis vasculitis raynauds syndrome esophageal reflux interstitial lung disease sjorens syndrome, oh yeah, now my heart is affected...I'm sure there's more...all under the umbrella of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. So there you have it dude. That's what's wrong with me..

Contradictions all over the place. I'm grateful for oxygen. Mad I have to have it. And I get a handicap sticker! Wha who! Mad I qualify. Disability is a life saver. Mad I qualify. I want to run over people that are running. Sad I can't. Run that is. Grateful I can walk. Really sad my hands hurt when I play the piano or that I can't give normal high fives. Grateful I can still play and still use my hands. Mad I had to turn my Subaru in. Grateful I have transportation. Mad I run out of energy when there is so much to do. Glad I feel like doing anything. Mad I love food. Mad I wake up every morning with a back that kills because of a crappy mattress. Glad I have a bed to sleep in every night.

And mad I'm taking 17 -20 pills a day. I need some more. Don't you think, to take all this mad/sadness away? Yeah, I'm already on that one.