Monday, July 20, 2009

6 Weeks

It has been 6 weeks today. This is the longest I have made it without pills in a long, long time. It feels good.

It feels good, but I don't, not yet. It isn't withdrawal anymore. That was over a while ago. I am having major stomach issues. I think I know what it is. I had something called H pylori a few years ago and the symptoms are exactly the same. It is really painful. It hurts if my stomach is empty, it hurts if I eat. It is bloated and nauseated all the time. Funny how I am saying "it". I don't like to think that my stomach is a part of me right now.

I have a hard time staving off discouragement, even depression. It seems they want to be part of this whole process. I don't like these companions. It makes me think of people who are chronically ill. How do they do it? How do they remain positive and productive? How do they keep from just giving up and spending their days in bed? What makes them keep going and doing, even if it is just getting dressed everyday?

I was asking Ron how he did it when he was so sick everyday, for years and years. He replied that he never lost hope. During really hard times, he hoped that the next day would be better, he hoped that he would not be in a wheelchair, he hoped he could muster up the strength to make it to his kids events. Hope, hope and hope again. With hope comes faith as well.

I have hope and faith that the days will be better. I am not on a timeline anymore. I am happy to take this one day at a time. Maybe today will be better than yesterday. Maybe not. Maybe tomorrow will be better than today. Maybe not. Maybe this week will be better than last. Maybe not.

Through all this, I can't help but feel so grateful. Grateful for the most amazing friends and family. Friends that I haven't seen or talked to since high school have left amazing notes and words of encouragement. Neighbors that have come and planted flowers without being asked. Friends that have given blessings and offered prayers. Thank you all so much.

I have the most amazing family ever! We have been through so much. My children have all had a lifetime of struggles, experiences that have made them who they are, from a very young age. My mom and dad are true champions of unconditional love and support through some very difficult things. I thank the good Lord above that they are still with me.

I can't say enough about my sweet husband. We will have been married 32 years in a few weeks. Neither one of us knew what we would have in store. It is a proven fact that most marriages could not survive a fraction of what we have gone through. I am so humbled and grateful that we found each other. He is such a great man with so much to offer. Thank you honey, for all you do and are. I'd be lost without you! We are in this together and knowing that gives me strength and hope.

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