Music is ringing inside my head

Music is ringing inside my head

over and over and over again

my friend,

there's no end

to the music...

These are some of the words from a song by Carole King, I think. Loved that song! I need to go find it.. And all my piano students' pieces are ringing over and over again in my head. My recital was last night. All the kiddos were AMAZING, FANTASTIC, INCREDIBLE, FABULOUS,...you get the picture. They all had on their Sunday Christmas best. They gave me hugs. I hugged them back. I wanted to hug all the parents, incredible parents! and g-parents. The students were so proud. I was so proud. Everyone was proud. Everyone cheered, and I mean REALLY cheered for everyone else. I had just as much fun watching the parents as I did the kids. I had tears in my eyes the whole time. I couldn't believe how hard they had all worked and that all that hard worked paid BIG TIME! I love you my kiddos! Thank you for doing such a great job!

And Santa came. Who knew? He, K, I mean she, played Sleighride with me. I love that Santa. She's my first cuz and we have been the best of friends forEVER! We lined her up with one of Ron's best friends so we have been great couple friends for..well, a really long time. She lives to serve other people. Love you Krissy!

And my sweet Ron and Curtis came to support me. Really? What 17 yr old goes to their mom's piano recital? Icing on the cake, I sat at the piano and played for Curtis while he sang and sang when we got home. Perfect night if you ask me.

So, grab those CD's, crank up the stereo...keep the music playing and playing and playing.

I had my Christmas last night!

Mistletoe and holly berries

Wow-ah! Time to trim the tree. Get it out first, go chop it down, go to the grocery store...where ever, how ever we get our greenery. I have bins and boxes and more bins and more boxes of holiday cheeriness. I've collected so much over the years. I've gotten rid of a lot as well, but I still have too much. And I'm too tired.

As I was trying to make my house festive today, I dang well burst into tears. How, how in the world am I going to get the energy to get it done? And do I really need to? I still have harvest holiday on my porch, but I can't see it so it's not there. So I sat down, turned up the oxy and tried to get hold of myself.

What is with me? I have this internal ideal that says everything has to be the best. I am Jean Nelson's daughter in law you know. She was the queen of Christmas. She could stay up all night cooking, decorating, whatever, and go teach her 4th grade class the next day. She LOVED Christmas everything. People ask me if I am the house with the incredible porch. I say no, that's Emily's house. And my sister in laws. And I worked at Nordstrom and OC Tanner. They REALLY knew how to deck their halls. Of course they had unlimited help and budgets but I still think I can get the same look minus the budget or the bodies. I have stolen a few ideas.

But really. We all know it doesn't matter. Christmas isn't about all the glitz and glitter and holly berries.

On the other hand, is there anything better than laying under the fake Christmas tree with the fake snow in front of the fake fire reading a great fake book (on my kindle)? I say no. So, time to get moving. Let's get this done!

Being a mom

I've been looking at pictures of my kids when they were little. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. How I loved having my kiddos around me! Each picture takes me back in time. I can smell the smells. I can see the views. I can hear the sounds. I can feel the softness of their skin. I can remember what they were laughing, crying or pouting about.

These memories are etched in my mind forever. And the great thing is, is that memories are still being made everyday. New places, new sounds, new smells, new sights....and I have two little ones that are added to this great picture.

I got on my knees and thanked God for the great blessing of being a mom. I will never take that for granted. I also prayed that I will get to raise Andy someday. I hope I get to see him as a little boy.

I feel such gratitude, like my heart could explode!

There has to be pills for that

I'm so angry. I feel like I could blow up into a million pieces! Maybe sad. The sweet kid that handled my return at Target got me going. How are you today, he said. Crappy! was my reply. I couldn't do the, I'm fine response. I just couldn't. Then the tears started. I'm so sorry he said. Are you OK? Are you having a hard time breathing today? Actually I have to wear this everyday. I'm sorry, he said again. I hope your day gets better. It will. Thank you.

Some people ask what's wrong with me. Most don't. Little kids stare. Adults look then take a double take. Wow. I wonder what she did to have to wear that thing? Or most don't think anything. In fact, I'll bet no one thinks anything for more than a few seconds. Look, then on to their own problems.

What's wrong with you? the guy at RC Willey's asked. How long do you have I wanted to say. Rheumatoid arthritis vasculitis raynauds syndrome esophageal reflux interstitial lung disease sjorens syndrome, oh yeah, now my heart is affected...I'm sure there's more...all under the umbrella of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. So there you have it dude. That's what's wrong with me..

Contradictions all over the place. I'm grateful for oxygen. Mad I have to have it. And I get a handicap sticker! Wha who! Mad I qualify. Disability is a life saver. Mad I qualify. I want to run over people that are running. Sad I can't. Run that is. Grateful I can walk. Really sad my hands hurt when I play the piano or that I can't give normal high fives. Grateful I can still play and still use my hands. Mad I had to turn my Subaru in. Grateful I have transportation. Mad I run out of energy when there is so much to do. Glad I feel like doing anything. Mad I love food. Mad I wake up every morning with a back that kills because of a crappy mattress. Glad I have a bed to sleep in every night.

And mad I'm taking 17 -20 pills a day. I need some more. Don't you think, to take all this mad/sadness away? Yeah, I'm already on that one.

I heart my heart doc

I went to another doc yesterday, another specialist, a cardiologist. The heart and lungs work together and because my lungs are sick, my heart is having to work extra hard. (I say my heart is working extra hard cause there is so much inside it.) Sure enough, the EKG came back abnormal so off for more specific tests next week.

I loved my heart doc. I had no idea who he was when I made the appointment. I just wanted to get in to the first available opening whoever it was. I scored! He talked to me forever. He asked me all the medical questions doctors do on first appointments but what he did next was a first. He asked me how I was doing. I was thinking that I had just spent all this time telling him. Were you not listening! No, he said, I want to know how you are handling all this. I got tears in my eyes as I thought about the answer to the question. I just want to be active and run again. I want to be able to clean my house. I want to be able to do triathlons with my kids. I want to be able to work in my garden from sun up to sundown. I want to be able to make plans and know I can follow through. I want to be able to go on dates with my sweetheart instead of always saying, I'm sorry honey. I'm just not up for a movie. I want Curtis not to see me on the couch or bed so much. I want to be able to take care of my parents and worry about them instead of the other way around. I want my beautiful grandkids to know the real me, not the oxy wearing sicko.

Don't worry. I didn't tell him this whole list but I did tell him some. He put his arm around me, (which is a first for any of my docs) and said, Well you know what the saying is don't you? No, I responded. Life is a bitch and then you die. I started laughing as the tears were running down my checks. He told me I seemed to be doing very well and that if he were in my situation, he could be written off. (He was just trying to make me feel good, which he did.)

He then asked how my husband and children were handling it. I said they were all champs. They are my hero's.

It was so very therapeutic being able to open the flood gates and let all this out and not feel judged or like an ungrateful brat. He listened, and he cared.

Yep. This doc was so great. He is taking care of my heart, both the things that can be seen on a scan and the things that can't.

Two little people

Can two little people really make that much difference in a person's life? Yes. And they do. My two little people spent the last two weeks with us. Tolman and Addi, my grand kiddos. We did so many fun things together. We went to the Aquarium. We spent 3 hours there. I love being on kids time doing whatever they want to do. No hurrying them along. "Yep, we can go sit in the boat. Sure we can see the stingrays again. Let's see if the penguins are swimming yet. Of course we can look around in the gift shop but I don't know if we can buy anything. OK, you can." We went on walks up by the lake. "I think that is too far for you to walk Tolman. You might get tired." "No I won't gram. And I can push Addi the whole way too." "OK. You can try." I was thinking I would have to go again because I wouldn't be getting the exercise I wanted. WRONG! Tolman did stay with me while pushing Addi nearly the whole way! He had to give me a breather or two even. We got gelato on another walk. We played at the park. We read stories. We made up names for all the different cats in the cat book. I wish I could remember some of those names. We were laughing and laughing. We had sleep-overs in my big bed. The kids were supposed to be sleeping but we were too busy laughing and tickling backs and legs and bellies.and toes. There's plenty of time for sleep but not near enough time for laughing! Tolman read stories to me and Addi. He is such an amazing reader! Really! He's in kindergarten and reading I'm guessing on about a 4th grade level, or higher. He can sound out about any word. Yes, my grandchildren are brilliant! Addi and I talked about all things princess. Princess jewelry, dresses, shoes, make-up, fingernail polish. Addi chose some beautiful plastic Little Mermaid jewelry. The earrings would fall off with the slightest move of the head so I told her to move very, very carefully. She walked around like a statue whenever she had them on for fear of losing her very priceless jewels. We talked and talked and talked and talked. They got so many hugs and kisses and they didn't even run away from me or say "ENOUGH GRAM!" They would even hug and kiss me back. My two little best friends went back to Minnesota yesterday. The house is so empty and quiet. It makes me sad. It takes me several days to adjust to the stillness. I can't go in their rooms. Not yet. It makes me too sad. How I love Tolman and Addi Belle. I love how I am when I'm with them. They show me the magic in every day. They show me wonder in the ordinary. They teach me what true unconditional love is. They show me the pure love of Christ. It's no wonder the Savior told us to be like them.

Sometimes

...I just hate being sick. The worst part for me is having NO energy! When I clean I can work for a good 15-20 minutes, then have to take a breather, literally. I have my oxy turned up as high as it can go while working and still get tuckered out. I get worn out just by being vertical. I have to do that a lot every day. Sometimes I get dizzy and exhausted even when I sit. Like today.

...I hate the pressures put on women in the perfect looking category. I drove to Logan last week to see Nils. I couldn't believe how many billboards there were on surgical procedures to get that perfect Barbie body! Not only the perfect body, but the completely flawless face that goes along with that body. Add this, take away that. Suck this, tuck that. Inject, reject....the list goes on and on. Basically, whatever you do, DON'T be happy with just the way you are!

...I feel so sad with all the heartache in the world, especially loved ones. I've recently reconnected with a dear friend of mine. She is so worried about her daughter and asked for some advice in the addiction field. I have experience you know.

...I wish I could do my life over. I'd do a better job.

...I hate that I love sugar so much. I'm even crazy enough to wish that I were as sick as I was last year. I could hardly eat. And I never ate sugary things. They made me sick. Oh yeah...I was already sick.

...I really miss my sister.

...I get so mad that I don't show more self discipline. I've had boat loads of it much of my life.

I guess I'm just like everyone else. Don't we all get sad sometimes?

Live Laugh Love

I have been looking for ways to give my home (bedroom) a little face lift. I think I should plasticize the walls with some of my favorite quotes. They are all over these days. Here are some of my favorites. Which ones do you vote for?

Nothing is more than this day. (Some are just too deep for me)
A family without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.
I don't have a family tree, I have a forest. (I swear I saw this)
Families are Forever (You are not a good Mormon if that isn't hanging somewhere in your home.)
A happy family is but an earlier heaven
Live Laugh Love (as per title)
All because two people fell in love (Huh?)
A happy wife is a happy life
Love is spoken here
Dare to dream (I dare you)
Always together. Never apart. (Kill me!)
Because just being together is enough (Not even!)
1 mother + 1 daughter = best friends
Happiness is Homemade
He aint heavy, he's my brother ( I think there should be one about heavy sisters)
2 boys = brother

And the many that say: Family by blood, Cousins by blood, uncle by blood, aunt by blood, 2nd cousin by blood, Brothers....Sisters.... etc etc......friends by choice. (Lots of blood friend ones)

And then the one about bad breath, or getting the breath knocked out of you. Or just not being able to breathe. I don't know. Or counting how many breaths you take in a day. Or how many you should take in a year. I dunno.

I have tears rolling down my face as I type.

I'm having a contest for the best original quotes. On your mark, get set, GO!

So I have come up with a few of my own that you are all welcome to plasticize and put all over your walls:

Life is hard sometimes, like a rock.

Stairs are like climbing a mountain. Take it one step at a time.

The sunrise is the beginning of a new day

Valentine gifts

I love Valentines Day. A great excuse to show the ones we love that we love them. Back when I used to cook, I would make a nice dinner for the fam and have some Valentine surprise on each plate. And of course I had the excuse of the holiday to buy the kiddos some cute outfit when they were little. Who knows what I did when they got older but I'm sure it was wonderful. And of course something heartfelt and wonderful for my hubby.

When Ron and I were dating (just a couple of months mind you) Ron gave me some beautiful flowers, a book, and I don't remember chocolates, but I'm sure he had to have gotten something at Cummings, or See's, or Mrs. Cavanaughs. None of the grocery store junk. After being married a few years, he bought me an incredible, very expensive Lladro. (pronounced yah-dro) It was a male and female ballerina. I thought it was kind of a weird gift considering that neither one of us were into ballet. But now I love it! I'm sure he gave me clothes cause I used to love clothes. I'm sure there were flowers and chocolate and flowers and chocolate. Romantic dinners, and not so romantic dinners as well.

So what would I love for my Valentines gift? First thing that always comes to mind is expensive jewelry. You can never go wrong with that! Don't worry if it's not in the budget. WORK IT OUT! Not rings. I don't like my hands anymore. And necklaces are out. They clash with my tubing. And I don't want anything to take away from the loveliness of that. Bracelets and earrings, preferably with diamonds. They are a go. And a fancy watch. That would work too. Actually, not too fancy. I'm too hard on watches. Just some cute stylish one at Costco would be just fine. Maybe one where you could switch out the bands to match any given outfit. Or anything that would look great with my assortment of sweatshirts. Sweatshirts! You can never have anough! More sweatshirts. Yeah, that would be good. And of course a grand piano is always on the list.

I love flowers. From Costco. Prettiest ones around AND you get the best bang for your buck. I want to paint my bed and bathroom. So maybe a gift cert from Home Depot but then you have to do the painting as well. Oh and man do I need (not want) a pedicure. I never get them in the winter. But yes, I need one.

It was brought to my attention last night of my love for chocolate. Damn I hate that I love it so much! Thrown in with that, was my love of percocet. (I'm sure I would still love it.) So, if you want to find that really special something, I would really, really. REALLY love a dish of chocolate covered percocet, or any chocolate covered narco! That would top any and everything on this very conservative list. Just sayin.

Love

I love Valentines Day. It is a no pressure holiday that gives us a special day to express our love to those close to us. Which ties in perfectly to a I thought I had.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the sadness and pain that goes on in the world. I have to stay away from the nightly news when I am especially vulnerable. And I am right now. There are people close to me who are hurting. And I can't do anything about it except pray and pray. I pull the covers over my head and hope it all goes away.

I often joke that I didn't vote for God's plan. I say I was put in the wrong line. Tell me what to do, how to do it, and that works great with me. This free agency stuff is more than I can handle sometimes. Remember, I am joking, I think I did know how tough this life would be. I think we knew more than we think we did. We were intelligences. Right?

I believe that the love I felt was so incredible, so overwhelming by being in the presence of my Savoir, that I was willing to do whatever it took to be surrounded by that love eternally. I think it was all about pure love.

So my goal is to figure out how to tap into that intense love whenever I need to feel His presence. It is there for me. I have felt it many times. I just forget sometimes.

Today I am grateful for that love and grateful that I remembered.

Do over

I visit the past too often, especially lately. High school. I am one of the crazy ones who would do it over and over and over yet again. I loved it. It was all about music and friends and skiing and Lake Powell and our little family cabin at Bear Lake. It was about going on crazy fun conventions/vacations with my family. It was about going on many funny little adventures with my friends. And I was blessed with SOOOO many GREAT friends. There were alot of us. Really. I've heard you can only have a few best friends. There were many best friends in our group.

I would have done some things different as well. That is a place I go too often. On days like today. What would be different? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. I would have taken education more seriously. I would have graduated from college. I would have been a choir teacher. I would have liked to get my Phd in music. I would have minored in history. I love history. I would have loved teaching history as well. I would not have gotten married so young. Lots of my friends did. The Mormon culture thing I guess. i would have gone on adventures around the world, like trekking to the base of Mt Everest, or an African safari. Or a humanitarian mission in a third world country. Or skied the Swiss Alps. Or visited my ancestors in Sweden.

I pretty much had a fairy book childhood. I miss it sometimes. I miss it today. I want to be carefree and have my biggest worries be what boy I liked and if he liked me back. I want to worry about what I'm going to wear to prom, or if I'm going to be asked at all. I want to worry about whose turn it is to drive to the ski resort, or wonder if I'll be able to fake it at my piano lesson if I didn't practice so well that week. I loved to practice! I would play the piano all the time. I got to accompany the school choirs. I would sight read the music all the time and did a good job. My choir teacher was my piano teacher as well. John and I are going to visit Mr C next week. I look forward to that. He was a huge influence in my love of music. Mr C. And John and I were in madrigals and accapella together. We both love Mr C.

Well back to reality. I just feel sad and stressed and sick and tired, and sick of being sick. Sometimes I wish I could have a do-over. Do you?

Potatoes and other things funeral

I love to go to funerals. Not that I love the reason for the funeral, especially when it seems that a life was too short on this earth. Like the funeral I attended yesterday. Pat Aldrich. An incredibly sweet and dear woman. She was only 61. She was my neighbor. She was in my ward. She was fine a month ago. then got pneumonia and died. She seemed very quiet to me. I picture her sitting on the back row in Relief Society, not saying much. She was one of those who I imagine as a great listener because that is what she did so well. Or I picture her in the library getting chalk or pictures or books, or anything else anyone needed to teach their class. I imagine her just like that, getting whatever anyone needed to make life easier.

Pat and I rarely exchanged many words. But our last conversation went something like this. She put her arm around me and said "You sure gave us a scare. I am so glad to see you here doing so much better." During these last four weeks, I just knew I would be saying the same to her. She never came out of the hospital. Her death has been quite hard, as I keep thinking it should have been me. I am the sick one.

But God has a different plan I have to believe. I don't like His plan sometimes. But that's a different blog for a different time.

Back to why I love funerals. I never knew Pat was such a spit-fire. She was a sassy pants. I LOVE sassy pants. Maybe because I am. I found out that her motto is the same as mine, "don't ask for permission, just forgiveness". At Cathi's funeral a couple of months ago, her mom said how she had never heard Cathi raise her voice. Her son stood up and said, "Grandma never heard her raise her voice, but I sure did."

If you want to get to know someone, just go to their funeral. I got a brilliant idea. I think we should all have a funeral before we die.

I've planned mine. My kids have said my funeral will go on for about four hours, or longer. I said that was OK. (I don't particularly like long funerals unless it's mine of course). Mine is going to be all about music. I've let all the participants know. The music will be beautiful! Kate on the cello, Jason on the piano with his harmonica, the Crockers and their angelic voices. They are angels. And their mom, my first cousin and BFF on the piano. Curtis singing "You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan accompanied by Kelly DeHann. Curtis and I watched Tarzan all the time when he was little. Speaking of Kelly, I also want him to sing and play Now and Forever by Carly Simon, maybe Carole King. Jessica playing Sonata by Chip Davis on the piano. And maybe Nils singing "....serve, said serve..."

And then there are the talks. Ive got lots and lots of ideas. But I think something along the lines of a testimony meeting. Maybe a Sharstimony. Yay, or nay?

I want the place to be packed. Standing room only. Come on. Admit it. So do you. I would like my family to send out invitations. I would like the world to stop, or at least the state. I would like all the flags to be at half mast. I would like my death to make Entertainment Tonight, or some other news worthy show.

Now for what I don't want. I don't want the chapel to smell like funeral flowers. Is there another smell for flowers or do they all smell like funeral flowers when they are for a funeral? I would love it to smell like freshly cut grass, or the pine and streams and all other smells of the mountains. I want it to smell like the sidewalk after a rain storm or the lusciousness of the place on the neck of a new baby. Or the smell of bread baking in the oven.

I don't want it to cost a fortune. Why have some beautiful fluffy, comfortable box to lay in, just to have it put in the ground? And no open casket! Boo! What's up with the "And she looks so good." Who looks good when they're dead! K. I must admit. There are a very few that look better in death than life. Great makeup work people! I am great with a few pieces of 2 by 4's stapled together. Seriously! Take a big breath for this next one.....I would be so OK with being cremated. Donate whatever I can to science, though I don't think it would be anything now, and sprinkle the rest of me in the mountains. That would be easy AND cheap. Seriously!

And I don't want ham and jello, and especially not funeral potatoes. I like funeral potatoes, in fact, I love them. I just don't want them at my funeral. I want soup. All kinds, and great bread with real butter. Lots and lots of butter. In fact, more butter than bread. Anything chocolate, but chocolate mousse would be the best. Or maybe a chocolate fountain. My grandkids would love that. Oh, and I really love Chantel's cheese fondue. And vanilla coke to drink....not the kind that is already mixed, but coke and the vanilla flavoring. Yum! And make sure the coke is not diet! Actually, maybe skip the dinner altogether. Let's all go out. Maybe to a movie with popcorn and drinks. Yeah. Let's do that.

So how does that sound? I don't know about you, but I'm pretty worn out after my big day. I know. Let's just forget it all and go take a nap.