Sunday, August 30, 2009


I loved being in church today. I was late for my sacrament so I snuck in another ward. I sat in the back. I had a clear view of everything that was going on. I found myself smiling as I watched mom's and dad's with their children. They would cradle the newborns cuddled against their chests. Wrestle with wiggly toddlers trying to keep them still. Shushing pre teens in an effort at being reverent. They would chase after those that had escaped the confines of the benches. I wondered what they would have done had one of their babes disappeared in back of the choir seats, and then stripped butt naked! like Chelsea did. I'm glad Chels got to give possibly the only moon ever displayed in the front of the chapel as I scooped up all her clothes and naked body, then briskly walked out! I was laughing the whole way. Good times. No, great times!

I can feel my body ravaged. I feel like an outsider watching helplessly as it gets worse everyday. I hold my breath trying to muster the strength after sitting down, to get in a standing position, as it hurts my knees so. I awaken in the middle of the night with hands that feel as though they have been frozen for decades, trying to break them free. It feels like my shoulders are going to pop out of joint just to support the weight of my arms. I take steps like my father does. He's 85.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I was watching in church today. I was grateful that I could cradle my children when they were babies. I was grateful I could chase them down the street for fun, or to save them from danger. I was grateful I could hike with them, throw them in the air, put them on my shoulders and play horsie. I was grateful I could walk down in their rooms and sit on their beds at night to read them stories or sing them a song. I'm grateful I could spank their behinds when they needed it. They didn't need it very often. I'm grateful I could load my 4 children in the van and take them to Brighton to teach them how to snow ski. I wasn't so grateful when they all started balling when they couldn't walk with their heavy ski boots on, and carry their equipment at the same time! I am grateful I could stand and stand and stand with pride, as it took Jessica 4 hours to ski to the bottom of Marys, the easiest run in all of Utah I think! I'm grateful I could keep up with Nils as he had NO fear and would ski straight from the top of the run, to the bottom, and that he would stop in the nick of time before killing himself of another skier. I'm grateful I was blessed with energy, health and strength beyond what any mother would normally have when I had to be both mom and dad. And that was many many many years.

Maybe I used it all up then. And that's OK. I'm grateful I had all I needed, and much more, when I really needed it.

How grateful I am that I could take care of my little ones, and not so little ones back then. I'm glad that my body waited until now to make even the smallest tasks, hard.

Yes, I loved being in church today. I am grateful for the trip God gave me down memory lane. I am grateful that I got to participate in all those adventures, and I have faith I will be back again. But if not, I have my memories.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sad. THey are not just memories- they are a glimpse into your near future. This is just the beginning of your road to recovery, right?
    Love you!