The last five days have not been fun. I have been asleep most of the time. You see, I have been on pain pills for many, many years. I have tried to quit only to start again. Satistics say, 1 out of 10 people are addicted. That is a very sobering number. (No pun intended)
I am exhausted. I am tired of the constant rollar coaster, feeling "normal" and then feeling very nauseated, as it is time for a pill. I am tired of my joints hurting. I am tired of the "no energy". I am tired of not being able to get all this extra weight off. And yes, it does make a difference in weight loss, being on them as long as I have. I am tired of brain fog. I'm tired of making sure I have pills where ever I go so I can act kind of normal, whatever that is. I'm tired of isolating myself, never feeling like going out, or doing anything socially. I have always been the party girl, if there was a party, I was there. Ron and I used to go out nearly every Friday night. We had a "standing" sitter. And we always had so much fun. He deserves so much better. And then there are my children. Talk about bad example. The one good thing about this whole thing, is that they are very aware of the dangers of any medications! I am tired of the depression and such sadness. I am tired of dripping sweat. I am tired of being bloated and gross feeling, and looking much older than I should. All in all, I'm tired, and I don't ever want to forget.
But more than anything, it hasn't been fair to me. I have lost out on the fullness of joy I could have recieved during these stages of my life. I have tried many, many, many times before. This is the last time. I won't do this again. I will do everything I need to do to make sure this is the last time. I don't ever want to forget how I feel right now. It is not fun. Actually, it is very painful.
I am starting day 5. I am posting this blog for my use and for my history. And for any of you who may have gone through this same process.
Many may wonder how this all could have started. Let me tell you, it isn't that hard. I will be getting into more detail later. But for now, all I can say is, God bless all who may be strugging with any demons.
You can do it, I know you can! If there is anything that you need, let us know.
ReplyDeleteShar, I just wanted you to know that I support you. I cried when I read this because you are hurting and I love you. But, hurting is a part of the process that you have to go through to come out stronger on the other side. I have known you since I was four and I know that you are strong enough to stop this. I watched you as I grew up and your "realness" has had a profound positive affect upon me. With all that you have gone through, it seems you haven't lost that and I am glad. Good luck with today. I will be praying that you have the strength to continue on this path. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I Love you.
ReplyDeleteKaiti (Pugh) Thorell
Shar, your are awesome!
ReplyDeleteAs the daughter of alcoholics, and the mother of 2 addict/alcoholics, I applaud you. You will be in my prayers. You can do it.
with love,
Lori Samuelson Frandsen.
Shar, You are amazing. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out! Good luck, my prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteLove
Andrea (Bateman) Echols
Shar,
ReplyDeleteJane saw your blog and sent it my way. Thanks for your honesty and courage. Your words ring true and echo your struggles. I can't imagine the difficulties you endure. Is there anything I can do for you? I love you and pray for your success.
Love,
Pam