I have had so many thoughts swirling around in my head the last few days. Any number of them could be a topic but I would rather just throw them all out here and go from there.
Sadness over Micheal Jackson dying. Such a tragicness to the whole thing. I thought he was a master, a talent beyond compare yet so demonized by so many things. I'm bugged that this event has saddened me so much.
I'm mad that I got myself into this mess and that I didn't take care of it sooner. I scared to go to the doctor to find out what these golf-ball sized weird bubbly things are on my elbows; why my joints have been so stiff and hurting so bad. I'm scared I'll never feel normal again or that I'll never be able to run again. I'm scared that I won't know how to feel up these empty spaces in my soul that have been medicated in the past. I feel sadness for other people who struggle with this demon and others who are in denial. I'm scared I won't have energy to live a normal day. I feel sad that Curtis has to witness this whole thing and not have a normal mom. I feel sad I can't tend my grand babies, as I don't feel well enough yet. I feel sad that my mom and dad who are in their 80's have to worry about me. It should be the opposite. I should be taking care of them. I'm sad that my family is at church right now and I can't be there with them. I feel bad that others are having to cover for me in different assignments, making their load heavier. I'm sad I can't spend the time out in my garden and that some plants have died because of that. I just feel sad.
But, with all this being said, this time had to come sooner or later if I want to get better. I'll just keep having faith, pleading with God to help me through, and thanking him for another day of making it.
It's been 3 weeks now, and for that i am grateful.