Sunday, June 28, 2009

I'm Sad..

I have had so many thoughts swirling around in my head the last few days. Any number of them could be a topic but I would rather just throw them all out here and go from there.

Sadness over Micheal Jackson dying. Such a tragicness to the whole thing. I thought he was a master, a talent beyond compare yet so demonized by so many things. I'm bugged that this event has saddened me so much.

I'm mad that I got myself into this mess and that I didn't take care of it sooner. I scared to go to the doctor to find out what these golf-ball sized weird bubbly things are on my elbows; why my joints have been so stiff and hurting so bad. I'm scared I'll never feel normal again or that I'll never be able to run again. I'm scared that I won't know how to feel up these empty spaces in my soul that have been medicated in the past. I feel sadness for other people who struggle with this demon and others who are in denial. I'm scared I won't have energy to live a normal day. I feel sad that Curtis has to witness this whole thing and not have a normal mom. I feel sad I can't tend my grand babies, as I don't feel well enough yet. I feel sad that my mom and dad who are in their 80's have to worry about me. It should be the opposite. I should be taking care of them. I'm sad that my family is at church right now and I can't be there with them. I feel bad that others are having to cover for me in different assignments, making their load heavier. I'm sad I can't spend the time out in my garden and that some plants have died because of that. I just feel sad.

But, with all this being said, this time had to come sooner or later if I want to get better. I'll just keep having faith, pleading with God to help me through, and thanking him for another day of making it.

It's been 3 weeks now, and for that i am grateful.


  1. Shar,
    I promise it will get better. Feeling depressed is a huge part of detoxing. I pray for you every day. You can do this!

  2. Hang in there! It will get better. Pretend you are on your last 3 miles of a marathon and keep going until you cross the finish line. You can do it!

  3. Call me if you need a cleaning lady. Or a donut.

  4. shar, you are AMAZING!! i can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but i know you can make it and get through it...lame-o comparasin, but i remember when you were teaching me the russian dance for a piano recital and i was so frustrated trying to memorize it and all i wanted was the treat for playing it memorized, you never gave up on me and kept pushing me and it finally clicked when i got the pages take away from me.. it was in me all along, i just needed the little push and encouragement from you to reach my goal. I know i am far away, but if i can ever help in anyway, even if it's to get a nice laugh.. i am hear for you.. even in spirit i can pray for you:) i love you shar!

  5. oh by the way this is kelli (kinnersley) marshall