Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Stages of Grief..

It seems as though I haven't had much to say. My mind has been too busy trying to process too many things. First of all, I was able to go to Seattle to visit Chel. I had such a great time. We didn't sight see. We just spent time with each other walking, biking, and lots of talking. The highlight was getting to see my new grand-doggy! Harley is so cute! I am glad Chels got a dog. Everyone needs a dog, but especially Chel. Seattle is so beautiful! Green is everywhere. We walked on a path that was more like a tunnel of green. Just 10 yards from her place is a beautiful little river. I was so nourished by it's beauty.

On the plane ride over, I was all of a sudden struck with reality. I felt quite horrible the day I left and as I was waiting to board the plane, I looked around at all the people. I wondered how many others were like me. I wanted to jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs, "I might look normal but I'm not. I'm sick and I feel awful!" It then hit me like a ton of bricks. How ironic. First my husband and now me. How is it that we both have auto immune diseases? How can that be?

I came across the 5 stages of grief. Grief is oftentimes misunderstood. Grief can be the loss of anything. And in my case, it is the loss of my health, the loss of what I thought my future would be and the reality of what it is now. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They don't necessarily go in any order. And you don't always experience every one. I'm in the pissed off stage. I guess that is anger. I go in and out of the denial as well. I don't believe many times. There is no way my antibody levels were at 10,200+ when normal levels are from 0-80. Even the U of U doctor had a hard time believing those numbers until he ran them again. What the heck, and how many years have they been off the charts? Why didn't my other doc think to run some of those tests when I kept going in saying something wasn't right? Would it have made any difference anyway? Why is it that one day I can feel OK and the next, I can't get my head off the pillow? Why do I have to look like a monster besides all the other stuff? (My family hates it when I say I look like a monster) My teeth are even affected. Ron can always tell bad days because my whole body swells up.

Yep, I'm in the anger stage all right and I think that's OK. I fight when I'm angry. I don't know about the other stages. I have been told that I need to get to acceptance. Maybe. I just don't know how.

I guess I am having a down time as well. I try to stay up all the time for my family, and for me. But I am sad. What stage is sad? It isn't really depression I don't think. It is just feeling really sad. I hope I don't feel pity. I don't want pity. I think there should be an overwhelmed stage. Yeah, I feel overwhelmed.

Seattle was great. It made me realize how important it is to get out of our ruts. I used to do it by running, playing the piano, and even making dolls. I have to find a rut-getter-outter I can do several times a week.

And maybe I need to get to acceptance.


  1. Knitting might be one idea...its very Zen, you can do it in your jammies, and you get some of that feeling of renewal and accomplishment. We missed you last night at Spence's class. Why don't you and I let him teach us together? Just let us know when, and I know he would love to do it.

    I understand the stages of grief- I think they are very real and relate to so many things- health (been there more than once), children (infertility, disabilities, or just their choices), spouses, jobs, so many things. Its normal to feel sad, too. I remember when I was going through my health stuff I would say to myself, "Why did I worry/fret/grieve about all of those other dumb things? THIS is worth the grief, the rest is trivial." I think for me its the feeling of helplessness. Honestly, I only got to the acceptance place through lots of prayer, the most intense, heart-wrenching prayer of my life. It really worked. I wish I could say I was still at that place-- but it gives me something to strive for.

    Hang in there, and do call. Lets knit.

  2. I deal with depression on a daily basis, usually mild. It was inherited from the Thorsons and all my brothers and sisters deal with it. Hang in there.