Thursday, September 16, 2010

The joys of oxy-gyn, not contin

I have noticed how very nice and helpful people are, more than before oxy. Checkers always ask me if I would like the drive-up service. Uh...sure. I'm on oxygen you know. Standing in long lines gets me at least sympathetic looks. Or maybe just pathetic. Sometimes I just butt to the front and when I get dirty looks I respond with, Can't you see I'm on oxygen? Duh! Even the security guard at the DMV told me to have a nice day as I walked out. What! I didn't think they could speak! At the ice cream store the clerk said, I see you're on oxygen. Would you like another scoop for free? Sure. And how about my poor son who has a mom on oxy. Can he as well? And can I get a coupon for a free cone for my husband since he isn't here? And really. It would be so helpful if my family and I could get ice cream free for the rest of my life. Of course. This establishment is oxygen friendly. When I make mistakes of any kind, it's because of lack of oxygen. When the dishes aren't done and beds aren't made, know, I'm OO. Or when I don't fix dinner. I know I know, I rarely fixed dinner before, but I get a little more mileage out of it now.

My favorite of all was when Jami and I were 1/2 hour away from her new home in Minnesota. It was 11:30 at night. The kids had had it. The car was packed SOOO tight, we couldn't fit the pool floaties in without deflating them. And, I had all my oxy stuff. Anyway, Jame was driving rather quickly and sure enough, we got pulled over. Cop. Did know you were speeding? Jame. No shit Sherlock! Take a look in here. You would have been too! (K. Slight embellishment) Can I see your licence? Uh, I don't have one. I mean, I lost it. But I have my passport. Cop. Where are you going? Jame. I don't know. We are moving from Utah. Cop. What is the address? Jame. I don't know. C. You're moving and you don't know the address? J. No. What's so weird about that! C. Do you have anything with the address on it? J. No. I pipe in. We do have google maps. C. Let me see that and your passport. Me as cop is walking back to car. Oh, and I am almost out of oxygen so she was hurrying. C. Should I call an ambulance? Me. Uh.... no dork. I'm just WANTING TO GET OUT OF THIS CAR! And guess what? We didn't get a ticket.

I think there is alot of oxygen envy out there. And with Halloween just around the corner, I see the look on my neighbor Charles' face when he hears the Darth Vadar sounds coming my way. Who wouldn't want to sound like Darth during October? or anytime for that matter. Yes. Every time a take a breath, which is fairly often, I sound like Darth. (I;ve learned to hold my breath during prayers at church. So please, keep em short. And the accessory options are all taken care of. Think about it. Nose ring, earrings and necklace all in one. Try and beat that!

So I've decided that I will share the joy. If you're in a hurry and need to speed, give me a call. If you want to get free chocolate or books or clothes, give me a call. (You try asking first then let me know how it goes) If your children are driving you nuts, tell them you can instantly turn them into Darth Vadar. If you want to lay around all day watching Days of Our Lives, (which I hope you are all doing regardless,) and not get anything done, give me a call.

Oh yes, things are lookin good!


  1. My kids, mostly Addi, has been pretending that I'm Grammy all day. So yes- I've had to pretend to be on oxygen. It's been a real pain in the @$$!!! I felt really bad for you until I read this post. Now I'm jealous. Don't wear out your oxy benefits too soon- I booked our flights for Christmas yesterday!
    *oh- and you get the coveted 'LOL' for this one.

  2. Dude....if you are scoring free ice cream I am TOTALLY coming with you next time!! Love the attitude! Sometimes having a sarcastic\sassy attitude is the only way to go! I love you!

  3. Mother. I am dying of laughter. LOVE THIS

  4. Note to self: when pulled over by a cop skip the crying bit and go straight to the oxygen hookup. I wish this bit of wisdom had been bestowed upon me earlier. What else have you got up your sleeve Shar :)