Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A New Life

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Maybe a new school, a new neighborhood, a new job? Maybe the one who just didn't fit in. You're just kind of there taking up space, trying your best as you either do or don't know how.

Being chronically ill puts you in many different places that are new, just like the school, neighborhood, job, whatever. It is a strange place that is very uncomfortable if not depressing. And depressing it is, at least for now while I am trying to find my way. A brand new way. A way I got used to navigating with Ron when he was the sick one.

It has been 10 months since I have been down and I am not used to it yet. Not even. I feel as though I am in the middle of nothingness as life is happening all around me. Many days, at least lately, I go to bed in the same "clothes" I wear all day. What's the point? I don't go anywhere and do very little.

Last week I had so much anger inside, I felt as though I would literally explode! And when I wasn't exploding, I was constantly crying. I hated feeling so out of control.

Now that the doc appointments are just on a follow up basis, I realize this is my life. For how long, who knows. And I am having such a hard time trying to find meaning in what I do, or don't, as the case may be. Actually, I am not doing much of anything. Not yet at least.

I know I need to make plans for a new life. To do things in a new way, do different kinds of things. I pray that the depression will lift and that I can find joy and meaning in each new day being grateful for all I have been blessed with.

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