There has to be pills for that

I'm so angry. I feel like I could blow up into a million pieces! Maybe sad. The sweet kid that handled my return at Target got me going. How are you today, he said. Crappy! was my reply. I couldn't do the, I'm fine response. I just couldn't. Then the tears started. I'm so sorry he said. Are you OK? Are you having a hard time breathing today? Actually I have to wear this everyday. I'm sorry, he said again. I hope your day gets better. It will. Thank you.

Some people ask what's wrong with me. Most don't. Little kids stare. Adults look then take a double take. Wow. I wonder what she did to have to wear that thing? Or most don't think anything. In fact, I'll bet no one thinks anything for more than a few seconds. Look, then on to their own problems.

What's wrong with you? the guy at RC Willey's asked. How long do you have I wanted to say. Rheumatoid arthritis vasculitis raynauds syndrome esophageal reflux interstitial lung disease sjorens syndrome, oh yeah, now my heart is affected...I'm sure there's more...all under the umbrella of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. So there you have it dude. That's what's wrong with me..

Contradictions all over the place. I'm grateful for oxygen. Mad I have to have it. And I get a handicap sticker! Wha who! Mad I qualify. Disability is a life saver. Mad I qualify. I want to run over people that are running. Sad I can't. Run that is. Grateful I can walk. Really sad my hands hurt when I play the piano or that I can't give normal high fives. Grateful I can still play and still use my hands. Mad I had to turn my Subaru in. Grateful I have transportation. Mad I run out of energy when there is so much to do. Glad I feel like doing anything. Mad I love food. Mad I wake up every morning with a back that kills because of a crappy mattress. Glad I have a bed to sleep in every night.

And mad I'm taking 17 -20 pills a day. I need some more. Don't you think, to take all this mad/sadness away? Yeah, I'm already on that one.

I heart my heart doc

I went to another doc yesterday, another specialist, a cardiologist. The heart and lungs work together and because my lungs are sick, my heart is having to work extra hard. (I say my heart is working extra hard cause there is so much inside it.) Sure enough, the EKG came back abnormal so off for more specific tests next week.

I loved my heart doc. I had no idea who he was when I made the appointment. I just wanted to get in to the first available opening whoever it was. I scored! He talked to me forever. He asked me all the medical questions doctors do on first appointments but what he did next was a first. He asked me how I was doing. I was thinking that I had just spent all this time telling him. Were you not listening! No, he said, I want to know how you are handling all this. I got tears in my eyes as I thought about the answer to the question. I just want to be active and run again. I want to be able to clean my house. I want to be able to do triathlons with my kids. I want to be able to work in my garden from sun up to sundown. I want to be able to make plans and know I can follow through. I want to be able to go on dates with my sweetheart instead of always saying, I'm sorry honey. I'm just not up for a movie. I want Curtis not to see me on the couch or bed so much. I want to be able to take care of my parents and worry about them instead of the other way around. I want my beautiful grandkids to know the real me, not the oxy wearing sicko.

Don't worry. I didn't tell him this whole list but I did tell him some. He put his arm around me, (which is a first for any of my docs) and said, Well you know what the saying is don't you? No, I responded. Life is a bitch and then you die. I started laughing as the tears were running down my checks. He told me I seemed to be doing very well and that if he were in my situation, he could be written off. (He was just trying to make me feel good, which he did.)

He then asked how my husband and children were handling it. I said they were all champs. They are my hero's.

It was so very therapeutic being able to open the flood gates and let all this out and not feel judged or like an ungrateful brat. He listened, and he cared.

Yep. This doc was so great. He is taking care of my heart, both the things that can be seen on a scan and the things that can't.

Two little people

Can two little people really make that much difference in a person's life? Yes. And they do. My two little people spent the last two weeks with us. Tolman and Addi, my grand kiddos. We did so many fun things together. We went to the Aquarium. We spent 3 hours there. I love being on kids time doing whatever they want to do. No hurrying them along. "Yep, we can go sit in the boat. Sure we can see the stingrays again. Let's see if the penguins are swimming yet. Of course we can look around in the gift shop but I don't know if we can buy anything. OK, you can." We went on walks up by the lake. "I think that is too far for you to walk Tolman. You might get tired." "No I won't gram. And I can push Addi the whole way too." "OK. You can try." I was thinking I would have to go again because I wouldn't be getting the exercise I wanted. WRONG! Tolman did stay with me while pushing Addi nearly the whole way! He had to give me a breather or two even. We got gelato on another walk. We played at the park. We read stories. We made up names for all the different cats in the cat book. I wish I could remember some of those names. We were laughing and laughing. We had sleep-overs in my big bed. The kids were supposed to be sleeping but we were too busy laughing and tickling backs and legs and bellies.and toes. There's plenty of time for sleep but not near enough time for laughing! Tolman read stories to me and Addi. He is such an amazing reader! Really! He's in kindergarten and reading I'm guessing on about a 4th grade level, or higher. He can sound out about any word. Yes, my grandchildren are brilliant! Addi and I talked about all things princess. Princess jewelry, dresses, shoes, make-up, fingernail polish. Addi chose some beautiful plastic Little Mermaid jewelry. The earrings would fall off with the slightest move of the head so I told her to move very, very carefully. She walked around like a statue whenever she had them on for fear of losing her very priceless jewels. We talked and talked and talked and talked. They got so many hugs and kisses and they didn't even run away from me or say "ENOUGH GRAM!" They would even hug and kiss me back. My two little best friends went back to Minnesota yesterday. The house is so empty and quiet. It makes me sad. It takes me several days to adjust to the stillness. I can't go in their rooms. Not yet. It makes me too sad. How I love Tolman and Addi Belle. I love how I am when I'm with them. They show me the magic in every day. They show me wonder in the ordinary. They teach me what true unconditional love is. They show me the pure love of Christ. It's no wonder the Savior told us to be like them.

Sometimes

...I just hate being sick. The worst part for me is having NO energy! When I clean I can work for a good 15-20 minutes, then have to take a breather, literally. I have my oxy turned up as high as it can go while working and still get tuckered out. I get worn out just by being vertical. I have to do that a lot every day. Sometimes I get dizzy and exhausted even when I sit. Like today.

...I hate the pressures put on women in the perfect looking category. I drove to Logan last week to see Nils. I couldn't believe how many billboards there were on surgical procedures to get that perfect Barbie body! Not only the perfect body, but the completely flawless face that goes along with that body. Add this, take away that. Suck this, tuck that. Inject, reject....the list goes on and on. Basically, whatever you do, DON'T be happy with just the way you are!

...I feel so sad with all the heartache in the world, especially loved ones. I've recently reconnected with a dear friend of mine. She is so worried about her daughter and asked for some advice in the addiction field. I have experience you know.

...I wish I could do my life over. I'd do a better job.

...I hate that I love sugar so much. I'm even crazy enough to wish that I were as sick as I was last year. I could hardly eat. And I never ate sugary things. They made me sick. Oh yeah...I was already sick.

...I really miss my sister.

...I get so mad that I don't show more self discipline. I've had boat loads of it much of my life.

I guess I'm just like everyone else. Don't we all get sad sometimes?

Live Laugh Love

I have been looking for ways to give my home (bedroom) a little face lift. I think I should plasticize the walls with some of my favorite quotes. They are all over these days. Here are some of my favorites. Which ones do you vote for?

Nothing is more than this day. (Some are just too deep for me)
A family without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.
I don't have a family tree, I have a forest. (I swear I saw this)
Families are Forever (You are not a good Mormon if that isn't hanging somewhere in your home.)
A happy family is but an earlier heaven
Live Laugh Love (as per title)
All because two people fell in love (Huh?)
A happy wife is a happy life
Love is spoken here
Dare to dream (I dare you)
Always together. Never apart. (Kill me!)
Because just being together is enough (Not even!)
1 mother + 1 daughter = best friends
Happiness is Homemade
He aint heavy, he's my brother ( I think there should be one about heavy sisters)
2 boys = brother

And the many that say: Family by blood, Cousins by blood, uncle by blood, aunt by blood, 2nd cousin by blood, Brothers....Sisters.... etc etc......friends by choice. (Lots of blood friend ones)

And then the one about bad breath, or getting the breath knocked out of you. Or just not being able to breathe. I don't know. Or counting how many breaths you take in a day. Or how many you should take in a year. I dunno.

I have tears rolling down my face as I type.

I'm having a contest for the best original quotes. On your mark, get set, GO!

So I have come up with a few of my own that you are all welcome to plasticize and put all over your walls:

Life is hard sometimes, like a rock.

Stairs are like climbing a mountain. Take it one step at a time.

The sunrise is the beginning of a new day

Valentine gifts

I love Valentines Day. A great excuse to show the ones we love that we love them. Back when I used to cook, I would make a nice dinner for the fam and have some Valentine surprise on each plate. And of course I had the excuse of the holiday to buy the kiddos some cute outfit when they were little. Who knows what I did when they got older but I'm sure it was wonderful. And of course something heartfelt and wonderful for my hubby.

When Ron and I were dating (just a couple of months mind you) Ron gave me some beautiful flowers, a book, and I don't remember chocolates, but I'm sure he had to have gotten something at Cummings, or See's, or Mrs. Cavanaughs. None of the grocery store junk. After being married a few years, he bought me an incredible, very expensive Lladro. (pronounced yah-dro) It was a male and female ballerina. I thought it was kind of a weird gift considering that neither one of us were into ballet. But now I love it! I'm sure he gave me clothes cause I used to love clothes. I'm sure there were flowers and chocolate and flowers and chocolate. Romantic dinners, and not so romantic dinners as well.

So what would I love for my Valentines gift? First thing that always comes to mind is expensive jewelry. You can never go wrong with that! Don't worry if it's not in the budget. WORK IT OUT! Not rings. I don't like my hands anymore. And necklaces are out. They clash with my tubing. And I don't want anything to take away from the loveliness of that. Bracelets and earrings, preferably with diamonds. They are a go. And a fancy watch. That would work too. Actually, not too fancy. I'm too hard on watches. Just some cute stylish one at Costco would be just fine. Maybe one where you could switch out the bands to match any given outfit. Or anything that would look great with my assortment of sweatshirts. Sweatshirts! You can never have anough! More sweatshirts. Yeah, that would be good. And of course a grand piano is always on the list.

I love flowers. From Costco. Prettiest ones around AND you get the best bang for your buck. I want to paint my bed and bathroom. So maybe a gift cert from Home Depot but then you have to do the painting as well. Oh and man do I need (not want) a pedicure. I never get them in the winter. But yes, I need one.

It was brought to my attention last night of my love for chocolate. Damn I hate that I love it so much! Thrown in with that, was my love of percocet. (I'm sure I would still love it.) So, if you want to find that really special something, I would really, really. REALLY love a dish of chocolate covered percocet, or any chocolate covered narco! That would top any and everything on this very conservative list. Just sayin.

Love

I love Valentines Day. It is a no pressure holiday that gives us a special day to express our love to those close to us. Which ties in perfectly to a I thought I had.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the sadness and pain that goes on in the world. I have to stay away from the nightly news when I am especially vulnerable. And I am right now. There are people close to me who are hurting. And I can't do anything about it except pray and pray. I pull the covers over my head and hope it all goes away.

I often joke that I didn't vote for God's plan. I say I was put in the wrong line. Tell me what to do, how to do it, and that works great with me. This free agency stuff is more than I can handle sometimes. Remember, I am joking, I think I did know how tough this life would be. I think we knew more than we think we did. We were intelligences. Right?

I believe that the love I felt was so incredible, so overwhelming by being in the presence of my Savoir, that I was willing to do whatever it took to be surrounded by that love eternally. I think it was all about pure love.

So my goal is to figure out how to tap into that intense love whenever I need to feel His presence. It is there for me. I have felt it many times. I just forget sometimes.

Today I am grateful for that love and grateful that I remembered.